Goals and dreams

Last night my husband said to me, “You know the expression, ‘You’ve never had a problem that x wouldn’t fix’? Well, for you, x is a new blog.”

Predictably, I started another new blog, this one with the goal of working towards a new career as a freelancer. Two days ago, that seemed like a completely realistic and marvelously perfect solution to my life. Yesterday–less than 24 hours later–I was already having doubts.

The truth is: I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

My instinct tells me this is one of the biggest myths of adulthood: that we’ve got it in the bag. From where I sit, I just don’t think we’ve got “it” at all, and we can’t seem to find the bag anyway.

Back in 2009 when I started this blog, I used it as a tool to work towards staying home with my kids. I planned my meals and cloth diapered and nursed two kids and made my own bread and laundry detergent, and lots and lots and lots more.

And we made it work. Somehow, between my domestic machinations and my husband’s career growth, we went from two incomes, to one income plus maternity leave pay, to one income plus a half-time income, minus childcare costs, to one plus a half-time maternity leave pay, to–finally–one income living.

On that one income, we went from car-free urban apartment renters with two little wee kids, to car-owning home-owners in a much smaller town, with two bigger kids. Until some big changes happened, bringing us to today: two incomes (though we both work less than 40 hours/week), and two kids in school. We are so fortunate that we made it through the transition of job loss so smoothly: our blessings are many!

Goals and Dreams

I guess you could say we’ve hit a bit of a stride by now, a year and a half after the big changes hit. I have been at my job now for over a year, and with experience, it gets easier. My husband is in a job that uses many of his skills. And the kids are happy every day when they burst out of the school doors into our waiting arms–and yes, we can *both* be at pick-up, almost every day. Plus, we get to walk to school and work, often all together as a family.

There are so many blessings. I mean, I have SO MUCH! A house, car, a beautiful family, both immediate and extended, a garden, and a cat. I walk to work, have enough healthy food to eat & feed my family, and I am healthy and able. I have kind friends and a wonderful church, and my freedom. Running water–both kinds! Safety and democracy! Shouldn’t I be happy?

But I am going to whisper my sinful, shameful secret:

I still ache to be at home more, to do more of *my own* thing, and less of *someone else’s* thing.

Maybe it’s an INFP thing, or maybe it comes from a shameful lack of gratitude. In any case, there’s something about my life that itches like an ill-fitting sweater.

All I know is that in order to move forward, I need to have options. In order to increase our options:

We need to pay off our debts.

So, as of today I am re-harnessing the power of my blog! Not a new blog, but this good old blog that’s been with me through so many changes and challenges, losses and triumphs. This old blog that already has wonderful loyal followers, interesting SEO, and a lot of content that’ll be good for me to revisit!

Anyway, since 2009, I’ve never had a problem that *this blog* couldn’t fix!

Advertisement